Cave Bovem!

I was walking recently in a country estate, through woodland, and encountered an obstacle en route, viz. a company of archers practicing their sport.

One of the archers advised me to divert my course lest I had a suit of armour, to my amusement.

Accordingly I took a left turn into a large, open field

A little further on I encountered a herd of cattle in the distance.

Pausing and cogitating, I deemed it best to alert them to my presence so I clapped and whistled.

This only seemed to arouse their curiosity, and the leader of the pack came towards me.

The rest followed.

I decided to retreat, though they continued their pursuit.

As I quickened my pace, they matched my pace.

I darted into the woods, though a small gap where there was a holly bush, thinking they stop following me.

To my horror they chased me.

These cows must have thought instinctively that I was their feeder, though the experience was quite alarming.

Eventually the leader simply passed me by, and the rest followed.

An acquaintance related his worst experience with a bull.

He was shooting with a friend  at a marsh in County Down and, as they walked down a field the bull ran up and down the hedge trumpeting.

They quickened their pace,  but to their horror saw it break through the hedge above them.

My acquaintance used to be pretty nifty and took off for the river, running into the marsh, intending to run into it.

As he did so, he was stunned to see his companion - a quite unathletic chap, fly past him.

He threw a brand new £4,000 gun (now about £15,000) over the river and made a fantastic leap of over 14 feet over it.

The steer thankfully skidded to a halt at the river's edge.

The companion tried to replicate the jump on dry land, and the best he could leap in his shooting gear was 8-9 feet. 

Fear had obviously lent him wings.

The gun fortunately just fell in the mud.

The Belmont Cataract

For the benefit of those of you who are unfamiliar with my ophthalmic history, it almost goes back to time immemorial, as those venerable peerages might say.

When I was a youth of about fifteen, suffering from a bout of ennui brought on by pop Thompson's maths class at Campbell, I suppose that was the time when the squinting commenced.

Thereafter I wore spectacles.

When I was about twenty years of age I purchased contact lenses, and wore those instead.

Fast forward to 1988, the year I made an appointment with that eminent Ulster eye surgeon, Mr Eric Cowan, whose consulting-rooms were in Eglantine Avenue, Belfast.

In a sense, Timothy was quite avant-garde in those days.

Mr Cowan pioneered the ophthalmic practice known as radial keratotomy, whereby minute incisions are made around the optic pupil in order to correct or improve myopia. 

I spent forty-eight hours in the Royal Victoria Hospital, Belfast, for this surgery.

It did improve the old eye-sight to the extent that I did not need to wear glasses.

My vision, however, deteriorated over time, and I decided to have laser surgery.

Let us Fast Forward again to 2017.

I was on holiday abroad in the bright sunshine one morning, at the swimming-pool of my hotel, when I became aware of a blemish of some sort in my right eye.

This blemish or spot is tricky to describe, so when I arrived home in Old Blighty I arranged for an appointment with the optician.

I was apprised that I had a cataract.

The optician wrote to my doctor, who arranged for me to see the relevant cataract clinic and, after many months, I was finally seen by the eye doctor.

I was informed that I had a cataract on my left eye as well, though I was unaware of this.

By this stage the cataract on my right eye was very blurry indeed.

I was reliant on my left eye for vision.

In April, 2018, I received a letter from the hospital letting me know that I was on a waiting-list for an appointment with them, though there was no mention of cataract surgery.

A few months later I was chatting my my aunt on the blower and she recounted her treatment with an eye surgeon based mainly in Belfast and Hillsborough, County Down.

Furthermore, when she heard of my predicament and the indefinite length of the waiting-list for cataract surgery, she urged me to get it done instanter, and highly recommended her consultant.

I called the clinic in Hillsborough, which happens to be directly beside the war memorial and parish church.

I was told that an appointment with Mr Rankin could be arranged within a fortnight, and that surgery could be about three weeks thereafter.

Well, dear readers, I considered it and called them back for an appointment.

Mr Rankin examined my eyes again and explained everything to me.

I decided to go ahead with surgery as soon as possible, so it took place on Wednesday this week at 3pm.

Service, care, treatment, staff were all second-to-none, as they say.

I didn't feel a thing apart from some stinging in the eye when the anaesthetic eye drops were introduced.

I'm writing this piece at almost 6pm, fifty-one hours later.

The sight in my right eye has been transformed and, as far as I'm concerned, it's virtually miraculous.

It's almost like having a new eye.

In fact, my right eye - the one which had a cataract - now has better, clearer, brighter vision than the "good" one.

I have an appointment with Mr Rankin in a few weeks time for a follow-up review, when I'll mention the other eye to him.

Frieda the Warbler

Lately there have been several occasions when I've had visitors to Belmont GHQ and they missed me.

I happened to be upstairs at about 8pm last night when, on checking my emails, a pal advised me to check my door-bell.

Accordingly I went downstairs to the porch and depressed the button.

By Jove, NCS was right.

The door-bell or, to be more precise, the chimes weren't working.

There was a clicking noise coming from the chime box every time I pressed the door-bell button, though.

This morning I got to work (!), with step-ladder, cotton-bud, WD-40 oil and old cloth.

Now this contraption goes by the name of the Friedland Warbler Mark Two.

I proceeded to thump and agitate it; meddled with the spring and clapper, oiled it slightly; cleaned half a century of dust away.

It came to life again! The old girl is warbling away to her heart's content.

All visitors are forthwith apprised that there will be no need to thump the window or door.

Mobile-Friendly Blog

Following a prompt from Google, I have amended the blog settings to enable a more mobile-friendly appearance on mobile phones.

I hope those readers who tend to follow me on their smartphones will notice a difference.

I’m grateful to Google for bringing this feature to my attention.

Belfast Rapid Transit

Translink is the brand name of the Northern Ireland Transport Holding Company (NITHCo), a public corporation in Northern Ireland which provides the public transport in the region.

NI Railways, Ulsterbus and Metro are all part of Translink, which is answerable to the Minister for Regional Development in Northern Ireland, Michelle McIlveen MLA.

I gather that the brand new, multi-million-pound Belfast Rapid Transit service is beginning in the next few years.

They have declared that passengers will be able to pay for their journeys in cash.

Frankly I think Translink needs to catch up with technological progress and enter the 21st century.

I'm very well aware that the transport system in Belfast is hardly comparable to that of the Metropolis, viz. Transport for London.

However, you cannot use cash to pay for your bus fare in London.

The ways to pay in London are as follows:

• A contactless payment card to pay as you go
• An Oyster card with pay as you go credit, Travelcard or Bus & Tram Pass
• A Visitor Oyster card
• A Day Travelcard or a One day Bus & Tram Pass.

I have been present when a Belfast Metro bus has stopped at the Connswater Bridge Stop at Newtownards Road.

If there are several passengers, some pay in cash.

If they don't have the correct fare, it can take up to two or three minutes for the driver to deal with the transaction.

At the same time the bus is effectively blocking a vehicle lane and traffic flow is interrupted.

I am certainly not against Cash in principle; indeed it's essential for petty transactions every day.

However, my issue is one of efficiency.

If Translink, for whatever reason, refuses to embrace the cash-free method, at least an effective deterrent could be introduced.

For instance, if a passenger doesn't have the exact fare, no change will be given.

Does Translink employ a department to handle all the cash and coinage handled daily?

There's another saving for the taxpayer.

New Jalopy?

I have expressed an interest in the new version of the trusty two-seater sports model I get about in, despite a brief visit to the vet's about a respiratory ailment - viz. the air conditioning.

I've been in touch with a dealership on the Mainland.

I have to confess that I am not hugely impressed with the local Mercedes-Benz dealership in Northern Ireland. I have been in contact with them regularly though they never reciprocate, which comes close to complacency in my book.

What we need in the Province is another Mercedes dealership in competition with the present establishment.

The car I've been eyeing is a red two-seater convertible, automatic of course, with black leather, parking sensors, heated seats, cruise control and so on.

My own jalopy, which has graced the road for 19,000 miles, has all these features.

Grand Opera

I was having a look through a few of the Belmont archives and see that I have not attended a traditional opera or operetta in Northern Ireland since 2011, when I went to see a very good production of  The Pirates of Penzance, by the New Lyric Operatic Company.

Since then, a key highlight of our season in Northern Ireland, Castle Ward Opera, has been ruthlessly shut down, despite continual, valiant efforts by the opera company to secure private sponsorship and funding.

Since then, we have no BP Big Summer Screen at Belfast's Botanic Gardens, an annual event I rather looked forward to, provided that the weather was fairly clement.

The permanent screen within the grounds of Belfast City Hall is, to my mind, a poor substitute; as is the location.

Whilst it is true that I have attended a couple of operas at the city's Grand Opera House since then, the productions have not been to my personal taste, which is essentially traditional.

Is the Royal Opera House the only venue which can afford lavish costumes, props, sets and ambiance now?

The people who sit on the boards of various Arts bodies, those who feel that opera, in their egalitarian world, is "elitist"; who despise grandeur, pomp, formality and tradition; the very people who thrive on spending others', viz. the Taxpayers', money.

These kinds of people have no difficulty with the Consumer buying expensive tickets for boy or girl band concerts; or even premier league football matches.

There's nothing wrong with the Elite; far superior to egalitarian clap-trap. Premier League front row seats are more financially exclusive than front stalls at the Royal Opera House.

Royal Brushmakers

Timothy Belmont's new hair (!) brush and shaving-brush arrived yesterday. I ordered them directly from Kent Brushes, Hertfordshire, merely a day ago.

I wish to compliment them, because their service and presentation is second-to-none.

G B Kent & Sons Ltd, manufacturers of brushes since the 18th century, is one of the oldest established companies in the United Kingdom.

Kent Brushes (as they are now more commonly known) was founded in 1777 by William Kent in the reign of GEORGE III.

Kent holds a pre-eminent place in the history of brush making, with an unbroken record of excellence in the quality of its production which has been recognised by the granting of Royal Warrants for nine reigns.

The Kent family continued to run the company for six generations until 1932, when the last of the three Kent brothers passed away.

This is when Mr Eric Cosby, owner of Cosby Brushes Ltd, entered into an association with G.B Kent & Sons. A new chapter was then opened in Kent's long history, and since that time the company has been under the creative and dynamic direction of the Cosby family.

Today, Mr Alan Cosby, grandson to Eric Cosby is the Managing Director and Chairman, with his wife, son and one of his three daughters working for the business.

The company headquarters moved from London to their existing factory in Apsley, Hertfordshire, in 1984, and remains there to this day.

The company continues to retain the craftsmanship and unprecedented quality that is Kent's reputation.

Even in today's fast moving, mass-produced assembly, Kent are proud to still be manufacturing many of their original brushes by hand.

Nevertheless, Kent Brushes is committed to developing and enhancing its products with every step they take.

Kent harness the latest hi-tech manufacturing processes, whilst building on the time-honoured traditional methods to create the world's finest example of each and every brush that leaves their factory.

Balsamic Delectation

All right. Belmont admits that he's had a modest restorative, viz. the Tanqueray mixed with requisite dosage of tonic-water.

Perhaps the noble prose flows even more eloquently thus.

I needed it, having shuddered at the effrontery of the head honcho of Fitness First gymnasia, a cove by the name of Seibold, who sent me an advisory letter, apprising of an increase in their charge by a whopping 65%.

We Belmonts are renowned for standing firm. This is utterly outrageous. I have emailed this Sideball, putting him the picture. Gawd help us.

Perhaps I ought to consider Branson's health centre, Virgin Active.


WILKIN'S tomato ketchup is the usual sauce of choice at Belmont GHQ. Nevertheless, I tried the Heinz Tomato Ketchup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar today.

Dear readership, I can inform you exclusively that this sauce receives the coveted Belmont Seal of Approval and Commendation.

Wilkin's ketchup still has the edge, with very few additives other than 75% tomatoes, though.

Savings Rate

A LETTER SENT TODAY TO THE PRIME MINISTER, THE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT FOR BELFAST EAST AND THE GOVERNOR OF THE BANK OF ENGLAND

I am dismayed and appalled at the current rates of interest provided to savers by financial institutions.

I believe that this has been caused as a direct result of Treasury and Bank of England policies; particularly so-called quantitative easing.

These policies are  having a very detrimental effect on savers.

I am of the opinion that prudent savers are being punished (inadvertently) by the Bank of England and HMG.

On the other hand, prodigal borrowers are being rewarded.

Plundering savings is not only manifestly unfair to those who have put money aside, but is actually harmful to the future health of the economy, reducing investment, de-capitalising the country and worsening the future crisis for retirement and senior care.

I call upon the Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Bank of England to begin rewarding savers, at the earliest convenience.

Railways Future

I have read that there is to be a public consultation on the future network infrastructure and development of railways in Northern Ireland.

I am generally enthusiastic and in favour of the re-establishment of former railway lines, where the track-bed remains.

I believe that, in 2008, an independent proposal was suggested to Translink for a £460 million expansion of the network called Northern Ireland Network Enhancement (NINE).

This proposed the re-introduction of the network to several towns that have not had access to rail services for many years.

The main part of the proposal was that the Londonderry-Portadown line be re-opened, which would link Omagh, Strabane and Dungannon with branches to Enniskillen and Armagh.

In addition, this plan would see the re-introduction of services into the centre of Newry through a short spur from Goraghwood; and the introduction of the long-proposed rail link to Belfast International Airport via the Lisburn-Antrim line.

It is a pity that the Belfast-Newcastle line cannot, presumably, be re-instated. Do any readers know how much, or to what extent, the track-bed remains on this line?

Venomous Mantel

What ever has our most beautiful and serene Duchess of Cambridge done to incur the venomous tongue of the prize-winning author, Mrs Hilary Mantel CBE ~ who, incidentally, is a Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire?

I hesitate to remind Mrs Mantel that Her Royal Highness represents everything that she can and never will be. I am confident that Hilary would beat HRH with ease in the race to the food-trough.

Physically, HRH has an admirable figure: Slim, shapely, feminine; unlike Mrs Mantel's ample frame.

HRH is kind, gracious and a person whom, I am in no doubt, shall prove to be a superb mother and queen.

Mrs Mantel should mind her language, which, to some, is grossly ungracious and ignoble.

The woman ought to stick to her novels, instead of insulting The Duchess of Cambridge.

Her Royal Highness will do well to ignore such spiteful comments.

The Living Boil

I am sure that those who most generously offered Honours to Messrs Livingstone and Boyle shall be utterly devastated by their rejection.

Apparently Boyle was offered a K!

Livingstone refused to become a Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (CBE).

Boyle was "artistic director" of the 2012 London Olympic Games.

Livingstone is a socialist politician and former mayor of London.

Gawd help us.

Free Trade?

I have been informed today that Alan Coffey, of Portavogie, purveyor of seafood to the household, has been prevented from carrying out his trade by the Health & Safety police.

Coffey's parked their van in my vicinity most Thursdays, at a strategic position.

Readers might spot the Belmont two-wheeler.

They received a visit recently from Health & Safety officers, and were asked where they washed their hands; and that the van was parked too close to the main road.

I strongly suspect that the European Union has a hand in this.

When will we be rid of this unwanted creature? I have never heard such stuff and nonsense in my life, preventing decent, honest traders from their livelihoods.

The sooner we leave the EU, the better.

Modern Manners

The inevitability of the TV licence renewal reminder has happened this morning. I received an email from them. It now costs £145.50, a bargain for those of us who wake up from the old slumber to the mellifluous tones of John Humphrys Esq.


I HAVE never heard so many split infinitives in my life, as on the BBC. The phenomenon puts Captain Kirk's statement, To Boldly Go, into perspective.

It was drummed into me at school that split infinitives were grammatically incorrect. That was the belief of the master, at least. Perhaps that opinion is archaic now.


SPEAKING of Mr Humphrys, he's "having a go" at public discourtesy, vulgarity and rudeness in the Daily Telegraph this morning.

I broadly agree with him.

Eating and drinking on public transport beside other passengers; using mobile phones in an inconsiderate manner in public; speaking loudly in public libraries. I could carry on till the proverbial cows come home.

We all know what he means and it's a symptom of bad manners and poor upbringing ~ whether at home or at school.

The term Discipline is greatly undervalued today.

Capital Punishment

Timothy Belmont is of the firm opinion that whomsoever is found guilty of the murder of April Jones must face the ultimate penalty for such a heinous crime against a beautiful, innocent, little girl: Capital punishment.

Let there be a referendum of the British People.

Let the legislature of the United Kingdom repeal the law.

Cope & Mitre

I wondered if learned readers well versed in matters ecclesiastical could enlighten me as to whether the bishops of the Church of Ireland wear the episcopal cope and mitre at ceremonial services nowadays?

The archbishops of Armagh and Dublin do wear such attire occasionally.

Will the Most Rev Dr Richard Clarke wear the cope and mitre which Archbishop Harper wore? Or does each bishop have his own unique attire?

I should be glad to see the revival of such a tradition myself.

105th Archbishop

The Earl of Belmont wishes the new Lord Archbishop-elect of Armagh, Primate of All Ireland and Metropolitan well.

The Most Reverend Richard Lionel Clarke, Lord Bishop of Meath & Kildare, premier bishop of the Church of Ireland (hence the prefix Most Reverend), succeeds the Right Reverend Alan Harper OBE, who has retired as Primate.

Dr Clarke, a widowed father of two from Dublin, is the 105th in the succession of abbots, bishops and archbishops of Armagh since St Patrick.

The Bishop said:

“I look forward to fresh challenges and joys, along with new friendships and discoveries, in the phase of ministry in the Gospel that now lies ahead, both in the Diocese of Armagh and within the wider fellowship of the Church of Ireland and beyond.”

His election will take effect from December 15th this year when he will be enthroned at St Patrick’s Cathedral, Armagh.

Dr Clarke said:

“I truly feel neither worthy of the heritage into which I am to enter, nor adequate for the tasks that lie ahead. The God of Christian belief is, however, a God of grace rather than a God who looks for human self-sufficiency. All I can pledge is that I will give this task the very best of which I am capable and the prayer of all of us must be that God in his grace will enable some good to come from this.”

Dr Clarke said one of the main challenges confronting him and the church’s 480,000 members would be secularism:

“That to me is the danger, to think that religious faith is an add on and the normal default is to be without faith,” he said.

Dr Clarke was educated at Trinity College Dublin and King’s College London.

He began as a curate at Holywood, County Down; worked in Dublin, as dean in residence at Trinity; Dean of Cork; and Perth in Scotland.

British Glory

It has been a glorious Olympics for us. In the end, London hosted the Games splendidly. Moreover, Team GB made us all proud.

Twenty-nine gold medals makes us third in the world rankings, behind the USA and China.

Northern Ireland played its part in that tally. Stormont and Westminster must therefore collaborate in order to facilitate our most promising athletes to train at centres of excellence, like Loughborough. 

It was be churlish not to mention our closest neighbour, the Republic of Ireland.

The Irish achieved one gold medal, a considerable achievement for a small nation of just 4.6 million people.

No Dope!

How can any human being beat their personal best in a swimming competition by seconds? Is it humanly possible without some kind of unfair advantage?

Surpassing one's best time by milliseconds would be more credible.

The Chinese swimmner Ye Shiwen took seconds off her personal best to break the world record and win a gold medal in the 400m medley on Saturday, swimming faster in the last 50m than the winner of the men's event.

There is no evidence against her and all medal winners are drug-tested.

John Leonard - the executive director of the World Swimming Coaches Association - said her performance was "unbelievable".

I do have my suspicions.